Berk
Kren? Beam?
“I'd like to hear from drew on the countless benefits of BERK planning.” - Ben Kuhn
For the (few of you) who don’t know, Ben Kuhn is Kram’s best friend. This might seem like a pretty meaningless detail, but that’s because I’m sure you have no idea what the prompt is talking about. Ben is also in the Air Force, another meaningless detail for this story, but it should always be noted.
So, let’s define what Ben is talking about when he refers to “Berk planning”.
Berk is their (newly) minted ship name. For people over the age of 35, a ship name is a name merger of both parties in a relationship. Brad Pitt + Angelina Jolie = Brangelina. The internet is also telling me that this is called a portmanteau. Dunder Mifflin + Infinity = Dunder Mifflinfinity (according to Andy Bernard).
Wow, we are off topic early, back to Berk. Okay, so we now have a basic understanding of how Berk originated, Ben + Mark = Berk.
Personally, I think it should be changed to Kren as we no longer refer to my older brother as Mark and only refer to him as his internet alter-ego, Kram. I will take that disagreement up at a later date with them, but for now, let’s just keep it at Berk.
So, now that we know what Berk is, let’s chat about what he means by “Berk planning”, and the “benefits” that they offer.
Berk planning is referring to how these two schedule things. These “things” I’m talking about are things like: road trips, holiday breaks, hanging out, or just ~general~ plans.
Using words like “planning” or “scheduling” when referring to Berk planning would be like calling Deshaun Watson a “nice guy” or “gentlemanly”, they are words that should not be associated with either party.
I have tagged along on many events with the Berk duo and the last word I would use to describe their thinking/planning would be organized. This was best exemplified on our road trip to the Grand Canyon.
The three of us drove to the Grand Canyon during the summer of 2020. Covid had just started bucking its head and one silver lining was USAFA (Air Force) cadets were sent home for an extended period of time. So, for the first time, really ever, the three of us were all at home with nothing to do.
After we grew bored of playing ping pong for 6-7 hours a day we all thought that it would be fun to drive to the Grand Canyon, I had no idea what I agreed to. I had been on countless trips with these two before, but there is a (pretty remarkable) difference between a drive from Houston to Austin compared to Houston to the Grand Canyon. And to add insult to injury, simp Frew (Frew is what some readers refer to as the“Fat Drew” era) just had his girlfriend move about 13 hours away from him, so he was in his feels. For those wondering, I speak in the third person anytime I have to talk about Frew. I’m not sure why, but it seems warranted, come on Frew.
To show that I’m unbiased I’ll put out a foto of Frew for you guys.
So, I agreed to go on this trip with the Berk duo. 19 hours there, 19 hours back… if we had no stops.
As the youngest person on the trip, I just assumed that the plans had been made and everything had already been sorted out. Rule #1 with Berk: never assume that any plans have been made or arranged. After the first few hours of our expedition, I quickly realized that these two had nothing set up. The only three things that they could confirm: we were going to the Grand Canyon, we had lodging in Albuquerque, and my long-distance relationship was going to fail. Rule #2 with Berk: don’t ask these two for relationship advice.
So, here is a run-down of what Berk planning consists of on a road trip to the Grand Canyon…
No driving landmarks, simply driving without knowing how far we are going to drive or where we are going to stay. Rule #3 with Berk: when on a road trip with these two, don’t fake like you are asleep or you will hear about it for the rest of time.
No ambition for touristy sightseeing that would have made the drive bearable… instead, they thought it was a funny quirk to take individual photos outside of every state sign as we entered, weird how none of us have girlfriends.
They had no idea how many days we were going to be on this trip (this mattered because I had a golf tournament to play in close to our penciled-in date of return).
They had no idea how many days we were going to spend in Albuquerque, or what we were going to do there. Why is this a problem you ask? Because these two spent an entire day watching Shark Tank. And when I say “entire day” I don’t mean a couple of hours, I mean the entire day. Rule #4 with Berk: don’t make it obvious you dislike something or they will go out of their way to annoy you about it, i.e. Shark Tank.
They also had no idea how many days we were going to be at the Grand Canyon, what we were going to do, or where we were going to say.
Berk planning has a long track record of poor organization. When you spend as much time around these guys as I have it can slip through the cracks from time to time. However, when you are in the car with these 2 for more than 40 hours over a week span, their quirks can become (quite) obvious and irritating.
Now, enough about the negatives about Berk, there are some positives.
These two have a rally mentality unlike so many people I’ve met, let me explain.
Berk would never claim that the “weather is too cold” to play something like pickleball.
Berk would never use a minor injury to bail on something like volleyball or basketball.
Berk would never tell someone that they couldn’t do something because they were “too busy” or “tired”.
If Berk were a company, its punchline would be “Always In”. You don’t need to send them numerous texts trying to convince them that it will be a good time, they know that if they’re both present, it will be a grand time. And if it isn’t a good time, they’ll forget about it when you invite them the next time. Rule #5 with Berk: when playing a sport Berk is much better when on the same team than on the opposition.
Their spontaneous style of day trips can be great.
Kram is known for waking up and coming up with a slightly peculiar idea (like randomly going to 6 flags, Galveston, Austin, or a concert). He’s the idea guy. My favorite part about the Berk duo is Ben’s undying allegiance to Kram’s half-baked ideas. When Kram wakes up with one of these ideas and asks his counterpart what he thinks he normally responds in one of 3 ways:
“I’ve got nothing better to do”
“I mean I’m obviously down”
“When are we leaving and what are we having for breakfast?”
These two are the ultimate rally guys.
If you want to get a group of people to play a sport, go to a movie, or hang out… these are your guys. Just don’t go on a cross-country road trip with them.
That’s my take on Berk planning, hope you learned what you should and shouldn’t do with these two.
